I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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