Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
