She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
