Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize