...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
