my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
