ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
