I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
