btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
