remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
