I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
