i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
