I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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