Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize