just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Your penis caused this!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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