After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
