yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
