Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
