Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
