I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
