so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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