Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize