i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
