did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
