Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
