who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You had me at "let me see your balls"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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