It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
