It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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