watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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