there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
