Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
