He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
