What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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