Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
