two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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