Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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