He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize