Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
