Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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