Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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