The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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