i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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