Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
