i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
vagina is talking i cant
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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