Pappa wants mamma naked
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
