It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
