the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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