Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
