SEEEEXXX PLEASE
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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