I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
