Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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