does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
