Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
