I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
