I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i was born a porn star she said
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
third nipple confirmed
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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