This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize