This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Pooping to opera.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
