Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize